Apart from managing to get my accounts done, I really haven't had all that productive a weekend. I've got so my jobs on my to do list that I can't decide which to do... and I think decision making, or a phobia of it, is one of the things that really holds me back generally in life and writing.
I will do anything to avoid making a decision, and this really makes life difficult. It induces a sort of paralysis in which nothing gets done. Because I'm locked in this inability to make a decision, I do nothing and seek solace in procrastination and displacement activities. I think it's fear, really, this thing about making choices... fear of the outcome of a bad choice. Because boy, have I made some colossally stupid choices in he course of my life, decisions that have had major ramifications and generally f**ked up a lot of things. It's no use wailing and gnashing my teeth about them now, because there's nothing that can be done, and you have to make the best of life as it shakes down, but it does make me leery of all decisions and choices that I face...
And writing is all about choices. Choosing the right characters, the right plot [hah!] and the right words, and I think that's why I find it far tougher than I used to... and conversely, more rewarding, because I know how hard the struggle is, and when something turns out even half way decent that's quite an achievement! In the early days, I was so naive, I just plugged away at it, not realising how badly I could cock it all up. I wasn't conscious of having to make decisions, I just cheerfully wrote my drivel, not thinking about all the better ways I could do things... it was so simple. Just pure enjoyment, I suppose, before the days of reviews and critiques and feedback... But now, in the age of the internet, I'm always finding myself second guessing virtually every word I write, already hearing the criticism, the analysis, the questioning of my choices...
Yikes, what a ramble. I never meant to go on like this, but it's just something that's on my mind.
But I'm curious...
Writers out there, do you just 'do your thing' and write your story? Or are you conscious, as you write, of what reactions there might be to your words, specifically adverse ones?
